the LAW of men

Recently I saw a blog post about certain man-laws. Obviously written from a ah... "worldly" view of a single man, I wanted to alter it a bit for the married with children christian - "dude".

THE LAW EXPLICITLY STATES:
in relation to proximity of your persons and another man:
1 You must ALWAYS enforce the 1 seat buffer law in a movie theatre. There are ONLY 2 exceptions - opening night of any Star Wars movie, or Matrix movie.
2 Never accept "doubling up" under an umbrella. Neck-punches are reserved for offerers or offerees.
3 Sleeping in the same bed with another man is strictly prohibited. The following states of the floor are the only acceptable excuses: The ENTIRE floor is currently on fire, floor is flooded (ONLY in the case that an electrical appliance is submerged AND plugged into an outlet)
4 Man hugs (grip right hand, pull and slap back) are the only acceptable "hugs". If it is held for more than 2-3 seconds, you are authorized to fight.

in relation to the wife husband relationship:
1 Under no circumstance will you ever answer the question "Do I look fat in this?" Your options are to:
a. Say NO! (Your wife is beautiful and you love her how she is)
b. punch yourself in the face as hard as you can
c. break a bone (fingers are acceptable)
d. set some portion of your person on fire
2 Leave the seat down. (The earth has not known wrath as a woman scorned by the "bowl sit")
3 There are very few occasions when it is OK to tackle your wife. I have no idea what they are- I just wanted to throw that out. (at least make sure you drive your shoulder with a good form tackle when you decided to tempt fate and go for it)
4 When called and asked "Do you have ANY idea on how bad the kids are today?" Your answer is always NO! Do not deviate under any circumstance under penalty of your Xbox360 being killed in the face.
5 Yes, you love her new shoes/shirt/dress. You love it so much your face hurts.
6 Yes the food is delicious. (It is ok to decline seconds. Sometimes.)


...to be continued next week.